Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone -  


Dumbledore: "Scars can come in useful. I have one myself above my left knee which is a perfect map of the London Underground."


"I had a dream about a motorbike," said Harry, remembering suddenly, "It was flying."

Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front. He turned right round in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beetroot with a moustache, "MOTORBIKES DON'T FLY."


"Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh," said Hagrid. "Harry - yer a wizard."


"Why are you going to London?" Harry asked, trying to keep this friendly.

"Taking Dudley to hospital," growled Uncle Vernon. "Got to have that ruddy tail removed before he goes to Smeltings."  


Fred and George: "Blown up a toilet seat? We've never blown up a toilet. Great idea though, thanks mum."  


"Are all your family wizards?" asked Harry, who found Ron just as interesting as Ron found him.

"Er - yes, I think so," said Ron. "I think Mum's got a second cousin who's an accountant, but we never talk about him."  


Peeves: "Oooooooh" he said, with an evil cackle. "Ickle firsties, What fun."  


"Excuse me, Professor Flitwick, could I borrow Wood for a moment?"

Wood? Thought Harry bewildered; was Wood a cane she was going to use on him.


"Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying sing-song voice.

"All right - please."

"NOTHING. Ha Haaa. Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please. Ha ha. Haaaaaa." And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.  


He bent down and pulled his wand out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy grey glue.

"Urgh - troll bogies."  


Ron dropped his wand. Hermione Granger, telling a downright lie to a teacher?  


"Blasted thing," Snape was saying. "How are you supposed to keep your eyes on all three heads at once?"  


"You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid - we know we're called Gred and Forge."  


"Never," said Hagrid irritably, "try an' get a straight answer out of a centaur. Ruddy stargazers. Not interested in anythin' closer'n the moon."  


"So light a fire." Harry choked.

"Yes - of course - but there's no wood." Hermione cried, wringing her hands.



Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets -  




Harry couldn't feel too excited about this. He didn't think the Dursleys would like him any better in Majorca than they did in Privet Drive.  


Harry got a shock the first time he looked in the mirror over the kitchen and it shouted, "Tuck your shirt in, scruffy,"  


"Can you believe our luck?" said Ron miserably bending down to pick up Scabbers the rat. "Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get the one that hits back."  


There was a scramble as everyone tried to seize a pair that wasn't pink and fluffy.  


Nearly Headless Nick: "But you would think wouldn't you," he erupted suddenly, pulling the letter back put of his pocket, "that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt?"  


Peeves: "Nibbles?" he said sweetly, offering them a bowl of peanuts covered in fungus.  


Ron: Do you think we have nothing better to do in potions than to listen to Snape?"


"Dobby is used to death threats, Sir. Dobby gets them five times a day at home."


Snape: "Longbottom causes devastation with the simplest spells, we'll be sending what's left of Finch-Fletchley up to the hospital wing in a matchbox."  


Harry: "I accidentally set a boa constrictor on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once - long story - but it was telling me it had never seen Brazil and I sort of set it free without meaning to."  


Harry was just thinking that all he needed was for Dumbledore's pet bird to die while he was alone in the office with it, when the bird burst into flames.  


"Could've been anything," said Ron. "Maybe he got 30 O.W.L's or saved a teacher from the giant squid. Maybe he murdered Myrtle, that would've done everyone a favour . . ."  


Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban -  




"I knew it." Stan shouted gleefully. "Ern. Ern. Guess 'oo Neville is, Ern. E's Arry Potter. I can see 'is scar."


Fudge: "We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing up their aunts."


He raised his hand automatically and tried to make his hair lie flat.

"You're fighting a losing battle there, dear," said his mirror in a wheezy voice.


Ron: "I'd have to see what the Ministry'd do to me if I blew up an aunt. Mind you, they'd have to dig me up first, because mum would've killed me.


"He seems a very good teacher," said Hermione approvingly. "But I wish I could have had a turn with the Boggart"

"What would it have been for you?" said Ron sniggering. "A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten?"


"Oh yes, Professorhead," said Peeves with the air of one cradling a large bombshell in his arms. "He got very angry when she wouldn't let him in you see." Peeves flipped over and grinned at Dumbledore from between his own legs. "Nasty temper he's got, that Sirius Black."


"Well . . . when we were in our first year, Harry - young, carefree, and innocent -"

Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent.



"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."

Snape froze. Harry stared dumbstruck, at the message. But the map didn't stop there. More writing was appearing beneath the first.

"Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git."

It would have been funny if the situation hadn't been serious. And there was more.

"Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."

Harry closed his eyes in horror. When he'd opened them, the map had had its last word.

"Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball."


Hermione: "A telephone, Ron. Honestly, you should take Muggle Studies next year . . ."


"It's not," said Harry cheerfully. "It's a letter from my godfather."

"Godfather?" spluttered Uncle Vernon. "You haven't got a godfather."

"Yes I have," said Harry brightly. "He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though . . . keep up with my news . . . check I'm happy . . ."

And grinning broadly at the look of horror on Uncle Vernon's face, Harry set off towards the station exit, Hedwig rattling along in front of him, for what looked like a much better summer than the last.


Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire -


Frank stopped trying to clear his ear out. He had distinctly heard the words "Ministry of Magic," "Wizards," and "Muggles." Plainly, each one of these expressions meant something secret, and Frank could think of only two sorts of people who would speak in code - spies and criminals.


Harry: Dudley's diet isn't going too well. My aunt found him smuggling doughnuts into his room yesterday. They told him they'd have to cut his pocket money if he keeps doing it, so he got really angry and chucked his Playstation out of the window.


Mrs Weasley: The Muggle postman has never delivered to our house, and I am not sure he even knows where it is.


"Where's Crookshanks?" Harry asked Hermione now.

"Out in the garden, I expect," she said. "He likes chasing gnomes, he's never seen any before."


"Do us a favour Perce," said Bill yawning, "and shut up."


"Your father thinks very highly of Mad-Eye Moody," said Mrs Weasley sternly.

"Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs doesn't he?" said Fred quietly as Mrs Weasley left the room, "Birds of a feather..."


Ron: "Percy wouldn't recognise a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea-cosy."


"I still can't work out how you two got the best-looking girls in the year," muttered Dean.

"Animal magnetism," said Ron gloomily, pulling stray threads out of his cuffs.


Harry wanted very much to ask whether Mr Crouch had stopped calling Percy "Weatherby" yet, but resisted the temptation.


Harry: "If Hagrid's half-giant, she definitely is. Big bones . . . the only thing thatís got bigger bones than her is a dinosaur."


"Worrying about poor 'ickle goblins, now are you?" Ron asked Hermione. "Thinking of starting up S.P.U.G or something. Society for the Protection of ugly Goblins."


Dumbledore: "My own brother, Aberforth, was prosecuted for practiscing inappropriate charms on a goat."


"Myrtle," said Harry in outrage. "I'm - I'm not wearing anything."


"Interesting effect," said George looking down at Crabbe. "Who used the Furnunculus curse?"

"Me," said Harry.

"Odd," said George lightly. "I used jellylegs. Looks as though those two shouldn't be mixed. He seems to have sprouted little tentacles all over his face."


Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 


Uncle Vernon:"Watching the news ..." he said scathingly. "I'd like to know what he's really up to. As if a normal boy cares what's on the news - Dudley hasn't got a clue what's going on; doubt he knows who the Prime Minister is!"


Uncle Vernon:"Listening to the news! Again?"

"Well it changes every day you see," said Harry.


"But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards," said Bill grinning.


Sirius:"Kreacher wasn't quite as devoted to him as mother, but I still caught him snogging a pair of my father's old trousers last week."


"You're not telling me you enjoyed it?" Ron said quietly, turning a glazed face towards Hermione. "That was about the dullest speech I've ever heard and I grew up with Percy."


Sirius:"I'll look for him later, I expect I'll find him upstairs crying his eyes out over my mother's old bloomers or something. Of course, he might have crawled into the airing cupboard and died ... but I musn't get my hopes up."


Lockhart:"I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail ... Gladys Gudgeon writes weekly ... I just wish I knew why ..." He paused, looking faintly puzzled, the beamed again and returned signing with renewed vigour. "I suspect it is simply my good lucks ..."


Harry: It was almost worth telling those lies to watch Fudge's blood pressure rising ..."


Dumbledore: "Well- it's just that you seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to - what is the phrase - come quietly. I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius. I have absolutly no intention of being sent to Azkaban. I could break out, of course - but what a waste of time, and frankly, I can think of a whole host of things I would rather be doing."


"Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break," said George.

"What do you mean, "tried?" said Ron quickly.

"He never managed to get all the words out," said Fred, "due to the fact that we forced him head-first into that vanishing cupboard on the first floor."


"Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the Entrance Hall.

"Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern.

"Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name is Remus Lupin."


Hermione:"You don't seem to need many qualifications to liase with Muggles; all they want is an OWL in Muggle Studies. Much more important is your enthusiasm, patience and a good sense of fun!

"You'd need more than a good sense of fun to liase with my uncle," said Harry darkly. "Good sense of when to duck, more like."


"Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they're going to use our products to get rid of this old bat." added George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.


Fred:"Give her hell from us Peeves."

And Peeves, who Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset.


But not even the users of the Snackboxes could compete with the master of chaos, Peeves, who seemed to have taken Fred's parting words deeply to the heart. Cackling madly, he soared through the school, upending tables, bursting out of blackboards, toppling statues and vases; twice he shut Mrs Norris inside a suit of armour, from which she was rescued, yowling loudly, by the furious caretaker. Peeves smashed lanterns and snuffed out candles, juggled burning torches over the heads of screaming students, caused neatly stacked piles of parchment to topple into fires or out of windows; flooded the second floor when he pulled off all the taps in the bathrooms, dropped a bag of tarantulas in the middle of the Great Hall during breakfast and, whenever he fancied a break, spent hours at a time floating along after Umbridge and blowing loud raspberries every time she spoke.


Indeed, a week after Fred and George's depature Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out the corner of her mouth, "It unscrews the other way."


Ron:He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he had told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in his crystal ball, only to look up and realise he had been describing his examiner's reflection.


Ron:"And from now on, I don't care if my tea-leaves spell die, Ron, die - I'm just chucking them in the bin where they belong."


Snape:"And Crabbe loosen your hold a little. if Longbottom suffocates it will mean a lot of tedious paperwork and I am afraid I shall have to mention it on your reference if ever you apply for a job."


Malfoy:"You're dead, Potter."

Harry raised his eyebrows.

"Funny," he said, "you'd think I'd have stopped walking around ..."


Professor Umbridge left Hogwarts the day before the end of term. It seemed she had crept out of the hospital wing during dinnertime, evidently hoping to depart undetected, but unfortuantly for her, she met Peeves on the way, who seized his last chance to do as Fred had instructed, and chased her gleefully from the premises whacking her alternately with a walking stick and a sock full of chalk. Many students ran out into the Entrance Hall to watch her running away down the path and the Heads of Houses tried only half-heartedly to restrain them. Professor McGonagall sank back into her chair at the staff table after a few feeble remonstrances and was clearly heard to express a regret that she could not run cheering after Umbridge herself, because Peeves had borrowed her walking stick.


Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - 


Molly to Arthur: All right, all right ... what is your dearest ambition?"

"To find out how aeroplanes stay up."


Snape: "Do you remember me telling you we are practising non-verbal spells, Potter?"

"Yes," said Harry stiffly.

"Yes sir."

"There's no need to call me 'sir', Professor."


Madam Pomfrey: "You shouldn't overexert yourself."

"I don't want to stay here overnight," said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers."I want to find McLaggen and kill him."

"I'm afraid that would come under the heading of 'over-exertion'," said Madam Pomfrey ...


Dumbledore: "And now, Harry, let us step out into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure."


"I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Consiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're working from within to bring down the Ministry of Magic using a combination of Dark magic and gum disease."

Harry inhaled half his mead up his nose as he started to laugh. Really, it had been worth bringing Luna just for this.


Harry was left to ponder in silence the depths to which girls would sink to get revenge.









"But for heaven's sake - you're wizards!"You can do magic! Surely you can sort out - well - anything!"

Scrimgouer turned slowly on the spot and exchanged an incredulous look at Fudge, who really did manage to smile this time as he said kindly, "The trouble is, the other side can do magic too, Prime Minister."


"It is a long time since my last visit," said Dumbledore, peering down his crooked nose at Uncle Vernon. "I must say, your agapanthus are flourishing."


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - 


"You know how to drive, I take it?" he asked Uncle Vernon politely.

"Know how to -? Of course I ruddy well know how to drive!" spluttered Uncle Vernon.

"Very clever of you, sir, very clever, I personally would be utterly bamboozled by all those buttons and knobs," said Dedalus. He was clearly under the impression that he was flattering Vernon Dursley, who was visibly losing confidence in the plan with every word Dedalus spoke.


Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia froze where they stood, staring at Dudley as though he had just expressed a desire to become a ballerina.


"Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry," said Fred earnestly. "Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever."


"Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library."


"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.

"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking ..."


"And the rumours that he keeps being sighted abroad?" asked Lee.

"Well who wouldn't want a nice little holiday after all the hard work he's been putting?" asked Fred.


"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"